Something amazing happened today.
A few months back, I applied, on a whim, to a book review job. I was looking for ways to break into my industry, and career path of choice, and a book reviewer (paid with nothing but books) seemed like the perfect fit. I sent my resume, and then forgot completely about it. Fast forward to last month. I was offered a position as a book reviewer. I was ECSTATIC. I got to pick 3-4 books each month, to receive in the mail, and then review, 200 words a piece. It's a great start to a hobby, and one that I don't have to pay for.
Fast forward a little more, to today.
I'm sitting at my desk, eating my almost cold leftover chicken for lunch, when an email comes in from the owner of City Book Review (aka my book daddy)
They are hiring two copy editors, to read and edit reviews that are submitted.
What. Are. The. Chances.
Of course, I dropped my fork, and drafted an introduction letter, and then attached my resume, and sent that baby off within 30 minutes of it coming into my inbox.
The lesson I learned today was this : If you have the tiniest chance to be a part of something you love, take it. You never know where it will lead.
Now, will I get this job? I don't know. But, what I do know is that I have a lot of power in sculpting what my life is going to look like, and I need to be much more proactive in exercising that power, because I feel amazing things coming on.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
12.9.2015
Today is a good day.
It's been awhile since I've had a good day.
I started my day at 6 AM, had a glass of warm lemon water, and then took Kyle, Phenix, and Muggsy out for a run. We walked/ran about 2 miles, and it was great. Kyle and I left the house before 9, and I was early to work. The dogs are (hopefully) worn out, and I feel energized.
I'm making my way through my 128 ounces. It's a lot of water. I'm going to need a way to either add flavor, or make the portions smaller. My goal is to drink about 10 ounce an hour, and be done by 6 PM. That way, I'm not up all night in the bathroom. It's easier when I'm at work and the water is staring me in the face. When I'm at home, or in the car, it's much harder to remember to get my ounces in.
So far today, I've exercised, drank almost half my water, and I've been at work for two hours. I feel amazing. I want to work on these goals for a few weeks before adding more, so as to avoid overwhelming myself. I don't want to get burnt out, I want this to be my life. I want to be healthy, and happy, and feel like this every day.
On another note, Kyle is totally getting into this as well. We went for our walk, and I was totally prepared to walk with him, because of his knees, but we ran, and it was awesome. He loved it. After we were finished, I took a shower, and he worked on his arms, with the resistance bands. THEN he made green smoothies for breakfast. I was so proud.
As I've been making my way through the day, I've realized that I thrive on a strict schedule and list of tasks. I do so much better when I can take a situation and create structure around myself. I think, as fun as it's been, the past few years out of school have been super hard because I haven't had any kind of structure. While I was in school, I had that as a framework for my life. I was expected to be in class at a certain time, and finish my homework before that time. Towards the end, I was wearing thin against the structure, so when it fell away, I didn't find anything to replace it. Even after getting a job, my "structure was lax."I've had a flexible schedule, and then filled my free time with Netflix and naps. I had nothing to work for, and little interest in finding anything.
Because of this, my health has faltered, I'm unhappy, and unmotivated. Starting this journey has given me focus, and a reason to get up in the morning. When I arrive at my goals, I'll be that much more motivated to set new ones, and push myself into a new level of excellence.
I've been thumbing through old pictures, from college, and such. I've gained so much weight since then. Granted, I've gained a husband and a dog too, but I don't want to be that person. I've always struggled with body image and food, but I'm done with that. I'm ready to embrace a new way of life, and get down to a manageable weight, and live a full life.
I'm over half way into my water intake for the day. I've come to realize that it's best to drink as much as you can every time you take a drink. It's so hard to get all this water in. It's especially hard when the water here at work tastes SO GROSS. I would be better off buying a second Fiji bottle, and filing both to drink, and then supplementing the last 20 ounces with tea, or other sources of water.
It's been awhile since I've had a good day.
I started my day at 6 AM, had a glass of warm lemon water, and then took Kyle, Phenix, and Muggsy out for a run. We walked/ran about 2 miles, and it was great. Kyle and I left the house before 9, and I was early to work. The dogs are (hopefully) worn out, and I feel energized.
I'm making my way through my 128 ounces. It's a lot of water. I'm going to need a way to either add flavor, or make the portions smaller. My goal is to drink about 10 ounce an hour, and be done by 6 PM. That way, I'm not up all night in the bathroom. It's easier when I'm at work and the water is staring me in the face. When I'm at home, or in the car, it's much harder to remember to get my ounces in.
So far today, I've exercised, drank almost half my water, and I've been at work for two hours. I feel amazing. I want to work on these goals for a few weeks before adding more, so as to avoid overwhelming myself. I don't want to get burnt out, I want this to be my life. I want to be healthy, and happy, and feel like this every day.
On another note, Kyle is totally getting into this as well. We went for our walk, and I was totally prepared to walk with him, because of his knees, but we ran, and it was awesome. He loved it. After we were finished, I took a shower, and he worked on his arms, with the resistance bands. THEN he made green smoothies for breakfast. I was so proud.
As I've been making my way through the day, I've realized that I thrive on a strict schedule and list of tasks. I do so much better when I can take a situation and create structure around myself. I think, as fun as it's been, the past few years out of school have been super hard because I haven't had any kind of structure. While I was in school, I had that as a framework for my life. I was expected to be in class at a certain time, and finish my homework before that time. Towards the end, I was wearing thin against the structure, so when it fell away, I didn't find anything to replace it. Even after getting a job, my "structure was lax."I've had a flexible schedule, and then filled my free time with Netflix and naps. I had nothing to work for, and little interest in finding anything.
Because of this, my health has faltered, I'm unhappy, and unmotivated. Starting this journey has given me focus, and a reason to get up in the morning. When I arrive at my goals, I'll be that much more motivated to set new ones, and push myself into a new level of excellence.
I've been thumbing through old pictures, from college, and such. I've gained so much weight since then. Granted, I've gained a husband and a dog too, but I don't want to be that person. I've always struggled with body image and food, but I'm done with that. I'm ready to embrace a new way of life, and get down to a manageable weight, and live a full life.
I'm over half way into my water intake for the day. I've come to realize that it's best to drink as much as you can every time you take a drink. It's so hard to get all this water in. It's especially hard when the water here at work tastes SO GROSS. I would be better off buying a second Fiji bottle, and filing both to drink, and then supplementing the last 20 ounces with tea, or other sources of water.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
12.8.2015
Last night I had an interesting conversation with Kyle.
I asked him if there was anything about his personality that he doesn't like, that he wishes he could change.
He said his shyness.
Then he asked me about mine.
I had a hard time explaining mine in a way that adequately described the frustration I have with my self. I've found that I have little drive or ambition to finish the projects I begin. I don't know if it is laziness, or if it is an actual personality problem, but I am extremely frustrated with myself.
I can see the kind of person I want to be, organized, driven, and precise. It gets hard when I compare that to the person that I am, messy, cluttered, lazy, and approximate.
I rarely accomplish my goals, and when I do it's a half assed job.
I am also having an incredibly difficult time battling a bout of depression. I have a hard time getting myself up and out of bed on a daily basis. Cutting carbs has helped my body feel better, but my mind is still foggy and dull.
As I've been writing this, I've been distracted by finding a solution for these issues. My first instinct, when I am unhappy, is to wallow, nap and binge (food or Netflix...or both)
My second instinct is to find a way to fix it. I need to be able to pull myself out of this. I've decided to find a way to become the person I want to be.
To accomplish this, I first need to figure out what I want to be. I made a list (because I live on lists.)
1. Motivated/Driven
2. Healthy
3. Clean and Organized
4. Happy
(I have more, like being financially stable, and being in control of my life, but these are four broad categories that I can start on immediately)
So those are the things I want to be, logically the next step would be to break those categories into manageable tasks, and more lists! In the honor of lists, I have created my first category of my life make-over.
1. Clean and Organized.
I've just compiled a list of chores to help me in my goals to be more clean and organized. My house is ALWAYS a mess, and I used to think it was part of my charm, but this morning when I walked into my disgusting kitchen, and couldn't even find a place to start cleaning, i decided it was not charming. Not at all.
I have two action steps for beginning my clean and organized life.
1. De-clutter the entire apartment.
A. One room at a time
B. Ask myself "does this bring me joy," with everything I find. If not, toss it.
2. Develop a chore schedule, and divide the items between Kyle and myself.
A. I am not a full time maid, I should not be responsible for keeping the entire house clean.
That's about as far as I've gotten so far, I'll probably be back tomorrow with more progress on my written goals.
I asked him if there was anything about his personality that he doesn't like, that he wishes he could change.
He said his shyness.
Then he asked me about mine.
I had a hard time explaining mine in a way that adequately described the frustration I have with my self. I've found that I have little drive or ambition to finish the projects I begin. I don't know if it is laziness, or if it is an actual personality problem, but I am extremely frustrated with myself.
I can see the kind of person I want to be, organized, driven, and precise. It gets hard when I compare that to the person that I am, messy, cluttered, lazy, and approximate.
I rarely accomplish my goals, and when I do it's a half assed job.
I am also having an incredibly difficult time battling a bout of depression. I have a hard time getting myself up and out of bed on a daily basis. Cutting carbs has helped my body feel better, but my mind is still foggy and dull.
As I've been writing this, I've been distracted by finding a solution for these issues. My first instinct, when I am unhappy, is to wallow, nap and binge (food or Netflix...or both)
My second instinct is to find a way to fix it. I need to be able to pull myself out of this. I've decided to find a way to become the person I want to be.
To accomplish this, I first need to figure out what I want to be. I made a list (because I live on lists.)
1. Motivated/Driven
2. Healthy
3. Clean and Organized
4. Happy
(I have more, like being financially stable, and being in control of my life, but these are four broad categories that I can start on immediately)
So those are the things I want to be, logically the next step would be to break those categories into manageable tasks, and more lists! In the honor of lists, I have created my first category of my life make-over.
1. Clean and Organized.
I've just compiled a list of chores to help me in my goals to be more clean and organized. My house is ALWAYS a mess, and I used to think it was part of my charm, but this morning when I walked into my disgusting kitchen, and couldn't even find a place to start cleaning, i decided it was not charming. Not at all.
I have two action steps for beginning my clean and organized life.
1. De-clutter the entire apartment.
A. One room at a time
B. Ask myself "does this bring me joy," with everything I find. If not, toss it.
2. Develop a chore schedule, and divide the items between Kyle and myself.
A. I am not a full time maid, I should not be responsible for keeping the entire house clean.
That's about as far as I've gotten so far, I'll probably be back tomorrow with more progress on my written goals.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Coconut Skins
My mouth is watering, even as I open the menu. I already know what I'm going to order, but I don't want to talk to him. I'm craving the oily crunch of the fried pork spring roll that always comes on top of my noodles. I run my eyes down the menu, and find my order. Noodle bowl #9. It has white slimy noodles and something he calls fish sauce. It's not really made of fish, I've asked. But it kind of looks like fish, the small red pepper flakes floating in the pinkish liquid. It's sweet and spicy.
The girl who usually takes our order isn't here, but a smallish man walks over and begins conversing with him. He orders his noodle soup, and I point to the noodle bowl I want. It has a name, but I can't pronounce it.
The smallish man nods and takes our menus. My security blanket is gone. I sit with my feet up on the chair in front of me and pick at a hang nail on my thumb. The restaurant is cold, as usual, and I can hear people talking in a foreign tongue behind me in the kitchen. We're sitting at a table in the middle of the floor. He takes out his palm pilot, and begins clicking away at something. He'll wait until our food comes before he starts talking. That's how it always goes. My thumb begins to bleed. The sharp stinging won't go away, because I haven't gotten the skin off, just pulled it back some more.
I look around, and notice a few bowls on a table across the room. The blinds are cracked, and I can see the cars driving past.
This place is almost always empty, in fact I've only ever seen one other person, but that was a while ago. My friends don't know about this place, I've asked them but they just shrug. I wish they did. Then we could talk about the smoothies, or maybe Megan's mom could bring us here for some. Then my visits wouldn't be only for us. Then maybe I could have fun here instead of just enjoying the food.
This restaurant is in the old part of town. There isn't much left here, and I don't know exactly where it is, but I recognize the teal and pink sign every time we pull up. He always brings me here for the smoothies. I wonder if I'll get one after lunch. I like to get the black squishy balls in mine. They look like blueberries, but they are slimy and chewy. They make the smoothie last longer, because it takes time to chew through them. I turn in my seat to look at the menu of flavors, and see the smallish man returning with two bowls. One for me, and one for him. He places the noodle bowl in front of me and I pick up my fork. First, the spring roll. I pick it up, it's still hot.
I can here him saying something to the smallish man, but I'm too engrossed in the smell of my food. The man hurries away, and we are left siting together over bowls of noodles. His is hot and mine, cold. We're different that way too.
"I got us something to drink," he says
"I already have water." I don't like taking extra things, because it makes me feel indebted. My presence is payment for the noodle bowl. A few word conversation is enough to cover the smoothie, if I get one. Anything more, and I'm afraid I'll have to talk more, or do something more than lunch. I hope he doesn't want to go to the train store again.
The smallish man returns with two tall glasses of clear liquid. It has white chunks floating in it. The man sets them down on the table and hurries away.
I stare at the glass for a moment, before he urges me to take a drink.
"Just try it, you'll like it." He always says that, as if he knows me so well.
I pick up the glass, and feel the condensation on the outside. I take a small sip, and a white chunk follows the liquid into my mouth. The drink is sweet and tastes like coconut, but not as rich as the milk. The white chunks are thick and hard to chew.
I make a face.
"What is this?"
"It's coconut juice, I told you you'd like it." He says. He picks up his chopsticks and begins slurping up the noodles in his soup.
I never said I liked it. The white chunks remind me of skin. There are fine lines running through the large pieces. It looks wrinkled in the large glass of juice. I guess it is skin. Coconut skin.
I stare at the glass as I begin crunching on the now cooled spring roll. Angry at the social debt I now owe, I decide I don't like the juice, and I most certainly do not like coconut skins.
The girl who usually takes our order isn't here, but a smallish man walks over and begins conversing with him. He orders his noodle soup, and I point to the noodle bowl I want. It has a name, but I can't pronounce it.
The smallish man nods and takes our menus. My security blanket is gone. I sit with my feet up on the chair in front of me and pick at a hang nail on my thumb. The restaurant is cold, as usual, and I can hear people talking in a foreign tongue behind me in the kitchen. We're sitting at a table in the middle of the floor. He takes out his palm pilot, and begins clicking away at something. He'll wait until our food comes before he starts talking. That's how it always goes. My thumb begins to bleed. The sharp stinging won't go away, because I haven't gotten the skin off, just pulled it back some more.
I look around, and notice a few bowls on a table across the room. The blinds are cracked, and I can see the cars driving past.
This place is almost always empty, in fact I've only ever seen one other person, but that was a while ago. My friends don't know about this place, I've asked them but they just shrug. I wish they did. Then we could talk about the smoothies, or maybe Megan's mom could bring us here for some. Then my visits wouldn't be only for us. Then maybe I could have fun here instead of just enjoying the food.
This restaurant is in the old part of town. There isn't much left here, and I don't know exactly where it is, but I recognize the teal and pink sign every time we pull up. He always brings me here for the smoothies. I wonder if I'll get one after lunch. I like to get the black squishy balls in mine. They look like blueberries, but they are slimy and chewy. They make the smoothie last longer, because it takes time to chew through them. I turn in my seat to look at the menu of flavors, and see the smallish man returning with two bowls. One for me, and one for him. He places the noodle bowl in front of me and I pick up my fork. First, the spring roll. I pick it up, it's still hot.
I can here him saying something to the smallish man, but I'm too engrossed in the smell of my food. The man hurries away, and we are left siting together over bowls of noodles. His is hot and mine, cold. We're different that way too.
"I got us something to drink," he says
"I already have water." I don't like taking extra things, because it makes me feel indebted. My presence is payment for the noodle bowl. A few word conversation is enough to cover the smoothie, if I get one. Anything more, and I'm afraid I'll have to talk more, or do something more than lunch. I hope he doesn't want to go to the train store again.
The smallish man returns with two tall glasses of clear liquid. It has white chunks floating in it. The man sets them down on the table and hurries away.
I stare at the glass for a moment, before he urges me to take a drink.
"Just try it, you'll like it." He always says that, as if he knows me so well.
I pick up the glass, and feel the condensation on the outside. I take a small sip, and a white chunk follows the liquid into my mouth. The drink is sweet and tastes like coconut, but not as rich as the milk. The white chunks are thick and hard to chew.
I make a face.
"What is this?"
"It's coconut juice, I told you you'd like it." He says. He picks up his chopsticks and begins slurping up the noodles in his soup.
I never said I liked it. The white chunks remind me of skin. There are fine lines running through the large pieces. It looks wrinkled in the large glass of juice. I guess it is skin. Coconut skin.
I stare at the glass as I begin crunching on the now cooled spring roll. Angry at the social debt I now owe, I decide I don't like the juice, and I most certainly do not like coconut skins.
Friday, November 20, 2015
11.20.2015
This blog is just for me. I've decided that it's time I start journaling again, and since I barely have time to write down my actual writing, I figured a blog would be an easy way for me to keep up with my life, as well as practice my writing when I have time.
SO what's going on. Well, Kyle and I got married last month! That's pretty amazing. I'll write about that day another time. Right now, I would like to focus on my fitness goals. I'm writing them here because I don't feel like anyone really cares about what eating plan I'm on, and no one should have to listen to me prattle on about my goals and food journaling if they don't want to.
So here it goes. Five things I've learned about my health and fitness goals.
1. I'm pretty darn sure I'm pre diabetic. I was babysitting last weekend and while I was there I noticed a few more of the symptoms (besides headaches and frequent urination) that pointed to pre type 2 diabetes. I didn't really tell anyone, besides Kyle, because I know people who actually have diabetes and I didn't want to seem like I was being a hypochondriac, or taking their struggle and making it mine. In fact, because I didn't see a doctor, I just kept it to myself and googled the shit out of what symptoms I should be watching for.
Before the wedding Kyle and I cut meat, except for fish, out of our diet, and while it helped for a few weeks, we ended up binging on bread and cream filled snacks, because well, it was veggie friendly. We ate our little hearts out and I gained ten pounds.
On Friday night of this past weekend I finally decided that some toast, or cookies weren't worth a lifetime of insulin shots, and expensive medications. I decided once and for all that I would cut sugar and go extremely low carb, while still bringing some meat back into my diet. It's been almost a week and I've never felt better. My headaches stopped, I don't feel bloated anymore, and I feel genuinely better about life in general.
2. Low Carb isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
When I started this I decided that it would suck really bad for the first three weeks, and if I could make it three weeks, it would just be my life and it wouldn't suck anymore. While I'm not out of the woods yet, I've found that it doesn't suck as bad as I thought it would. When I see where I want to be, and I imagine having kids and being healthy enough to keep up with them, I don't want whatever temptation is in front of me. In fact, it loses all it's power, and I don't feel like it's an actual temptation anymore. I don't miss bread, in general. I miss how easy it is to eat bread and be filled, but I don't miss the bloating, or constipation, or headaches that would follow.
3. Food journaling is the way to go, for me.
While everyone is different, I've found that food journaling is the key to my success. So far this week I've tracked everything I eat, down to each piece. If I ate 10 grapes, I write down 10 grapes. It's helped me so far, with portion control, and sticking to what I promised myself. I also break all my food into meals and snacks. Planning to snack throughout the day has helped SO MUCH because I eat less at my meals, and end up keeping my metabolism running at full speed, hopefully burning calories for me :) It's also helped because I don't feel guilty for eating anything I write down. I don't want to write down shit food, so I don't eat shit food, and then I don't feel shitty.
4. I have to do this for me.
Kyle has been trying to motivate me to work out for A LONG TIME. He encourages better eating habits, and while I can see the love and logic in his pleas, it also pisses me off. I would get mad and then we would fight and it was stupid because he was really trying to help. He still loved me, when I downed an entire sleeve of Oreos, but he wanted me to be healthy and happy and he could see that I wasn't. When I made this decision to cut bread and sugar, it was for me. I scared the hell out of myself and realized that my health isn't as robust as I thought it was. Not only were my pants fitting tighter, my body was working extremely hard to push the toxins out and keep itself running. I was making myself sick, because of the food I was eating, and the quantity I was eating it in. I needed to hit rock bottom before I could work my way back up to my prime. I am 23 next month and I want it to be the best year ever. I want to be my fittest, and healthiest. I want to look damn sexy for me, and also my husband, but mostly for me. I want to get there. I HAVE TO CHOOSE EVERYDAY.
5. I have to focus on the things I can have, instead of the things I can't have.
This has been a big thing for me this week. I went to Costco, and while I passed all the sugar and carby food, I had to continually tell myself, "you can't have ______ but you CAN have ______". This Costco trip is was beef sticks and Babybell cheese. Instead of buying pretzel thins, or crackers for my hummus, I reminded myself that I was spending 10 extra dollars on cheese, so I could have the good stuff. Low carb seems limiting, until I realize that all the money I would spend of sugar or carbs, I can spend on good cheese, or the expensive wine, or whatever it may be. I can still treat myself, without adding sugar or bread.
6. I was spiraling out of control, and food was the one thing I could "control" but it was actually controlling me.
My anxiety is a big part of my life. I have really bad anxious days and it makes me feel bad about everything else in my life. I was using food as a crutch to make me feel like I was in control. I would eat something and tell myself I shouldn't feel bad about it, despite knowing it was bad for me. I would sneak food. On our honeymoon, I bought doughnuts because I was craving them. Kyle and I fought about them and then he went out and bought actual dinner for us. While he was gone, I got mad and ate all six doughnuts by myself. I then lied to him about it and said I flushed them down the toilet. My addiction to food, and my "need" to cling on to it, was ruining my relationship with my husband and it needed to stop. Cutting carbs and choosing to do it for myself is something that I am proud to do. I am proud to take care of my body, and to stop letting food control me. I don't need the junk, and letting go of it, while it may be difficult at times, will ultimately be better for me in the long run.
7. While I want to work out and get my body in tight and toned shape, I need to focus on this aspect of my health first.
In the past I've had a bad habit of latching on to a health kick, going to the gym every day, and eating only good things for me, and letting it last for about a week. I would then get burnt out, or I would let the weekend binging stop me from feeling good enough to go to the gym. This time it's going to be different. I'm going to start with my health. I'm going to start with eating to fuel my body, and avoiding the crap that is everywhere. I'm cutting sugar and cutting carbs, and hopefully that will help me feel better about going to the gym, or starting a work out program. I know that right now, if I were to go to the gym and try and work out I wouldn't be able to do anything I've worked up to before, and I would get frustrated and start to spiral. I want to be stable in my eating habits before I add another aspect to this journey. i want to lose 20 pounds just from diet, which I know is possible, and then start working out.
8. I've come to learn that while some people don't have to think about their weight, and will always be skinny minnie's I am not one of those people. I will always have to be on it with my diet. Hopefully someday it will com easier for me, but I will probably always have to think about it. My family is proned to weight gain, and I know my bad habits, while under control for the moment, will be waiting in the wings for their chance to come back. I will probably always have a week spot for carbs. Especially when I'm pregnant.
9. I need to have a broad sense of goals, and not specify too much. Real life happens, and while I plan on keeping my eating clean, exercising isn't always going to happen. I want to lose 60 pounds all together, but part of that I want to do with just diet alone. I also want to be able to do this over a longer period of time. I'm not looking for perfection, just health. I'm hoping to achieve my goals before Kyle and I have kids, but if not, I won't be too hard on myself.
So now that I've fully dissected my thoughts, I want to talk about my goals. I'm going to set short and long term goals, so I can have something to work towards.
Short Term
1 Month- Keep off sugar, and low carb. I want to make it through the holiday season without eating any sugar. This is going to be hard. I know that. Holiday treats are MY FAVORITE and they will be everywhere. This next month is going to be a test of my own will.
2 month- Slowly begin incorporating work outs into my routine.
Lose about 20 pounds just with diet alone. This should be possible with a lower calorie intake, and eating whole foods. I want to lose the 20 pounds before incorporating too much exercise, so I don't get burnt our.
5 month- be working out 3 times a week, and maintaining low carb and no sugar
8 month goals- be at least 40 pounds lighter, and maintaining a good work out regime and eating habits.
12 month- Be working out 4 times a week, at home or at the gym, and have lost 50 pounds of my body fat. I want to be as close to my goals as possible, but not necessarily super fit.
2 years- have first pregnancy and maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine through pregnancy.
SO what's going on. Well, Kyle and I got married last month! That's pretty amazing. I'll write about that day another time. Right now, I would like to focus on my fitness goals. I'm writing them here because I don't feel like anyone really cares about what eating plan I'm on, and no one should have to listen to me prattle on about my goals and food journaling if they don't want to.
So here it goes. Five things I've learned about my health and fitness goals.
1. I'm pretty darn sure I'm pre diabetic. I was babysitting last weekend and while I was there I noticed a few more of the symptoms (besides headaches and frequent urination) that pointed to pre type 2 diabetes. I didn't really tell anyone, besides Kyle, because I know people who actually have diabetes and I didn't want to seem like I was being a hypochondriac, or taking their struggle and making it mine. In fact, because I didn't see a doctor, I just kept it to myself and googled the shit out of what symptoms I should be watching for.
Before the wedding Kyle and I cut meat, except for fish, out of our diet, and while it helped for a few weeks, we ended up binging on bread and cream filled snacks, because well, it was veggie friendly. We ate our little hearts out and I gained ten pounds.
On Friday night of this past weekend I finally decided that some toast, or cookies weren't worth a lifetime of insulin shots, and expensive medications. I decided once and for all that I would cut sugar and go extremely low carb, while still bringing some meat back into my diet. It's been almost a week and I've never felt better. My headaches stopped, I don't feel bloated anymore, and I feel genuinely better about life in general.
2. Low Carb isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
When I started this I decided that it would suck really bad for the first three weeks, and if I could make it three weeks, it would just be my life and it wouldn't suck anymore. While I'm not out of the woods yet, I've found that it doesn't suck as bad as I thought it would. When I see where I want to be, and I imagine having kids and being healthy enough to keep up with them, I don't want whatever temptation is in front of me. In fact, it loses all it's power, and I don't feel like it's an actual temptation anymore. I don't miss bread, in general. I miss how easy it is to eat bread and be filled, but I don't miss the bloating, or constipation, or headaches that would follow.
3. Food journaling is the way to go, for me.
While everyone is different, I've found that food journaling is the key to my success. So far this week I've tracked everything I eat, down to each piece. If I ate 10 grapes, I write down 10 grapes. It's helped me so far, with portion control, and sticking to what I promised myself. I also break all my food into meals and snacks. Planning to snack throughout the day has helped SO MUCH because I eat less at my meals, and end up keeping my metabolism running at full speed, hopefully burning calories for me :) It's also helped because I don't feel guilty for eating anything I write down. I don't want to write down shit food, so I don't eat shit food, and then I don't feel shitty.
4. I have to do this for me.
Kyle has been trying to motivate me to work out for A LONG TIME. He encourages better eating habits, and while I can see the love and logic in his pleas, it also pisses me off. I would get mad and then we would fight and it was stupid because he was really trying to help. He still loved me, when I downed an entire sleeve of Oreos, but he wanted me to be healthy and happy and he could see that I wasn't. When I made this decision to cut bread and sugar, it was for me. I scared the hell out of myself and realized that my health isn't as robust as I thought it was. Not only were my pants fitting tighter, my body was working extremely hard to push the toxins out and keep itself running. I was making myself sick, because of the food I was eating, and the quantity I was eating it in. I needed to hit rock bottom before I could work my way back up to my prime. I am 23 next month and I want it to be the best year ever. I want to be my fittest, and healthiest. I want to look damn sexy for me, and also my husband, but mostly for me. I want to get there. I HAVE TO CHOOSE EVERYDAY.
5. I have to focus on the things I can have, instead of the things I can't have.
This has been a big thing for me this week. I went to Costco, and while I passed all the sugar and carby food, I had to continually tell myself, "you can't have ______ but you CAN have ______". This Costco trip is was beef sticks and Babybell cheese. Instead of buying pretzel thins, or crackers for my hummus, I reminded myself that I was spending 10 extra dollars on cheese, so I could have the good stuff. Low carb seems limiting, until I realize that all the money I would spend of sugar or carbs, I can spend on good cheese, or the expensive wine, or whatever it may be. I can still treat myself, without adding sugar or bread.
6. I was spiraling out of control, and food was the one thing I could "control" but it was actually controlling me.
My anxiety is a big part of my life. I have really bad anxious days and it makes me feel bad about everything else in my life. I was using food as a crutch to make me feel like I was in control. I would eat something and tell myself I shouldn't feel bad about it, despite knowing it was bad for me. I would sneak food. On our honeymoon, I bought doughnuts because I was craving them. Kyle and I fought about them and then he went out and bought actual dinner for us. While he was gone, I got mad and ate all six doughnuts by myself. I then lied to him about it and said I flushed them down the toilet. My addiction to food, and my "need" to cling on to it, was ruining my relationship with my husband and it needed to stop. Cutting carbs and choosing to do it for myself is something that I am proud to do. I am proud to take care of my body, and to stop letting food control me. I don't need the junk, and letting go of it, while it may be difficult at times, will ultimately be better for me in the long run.
7. While I want to work out and get my body in tight and toned shape, I need to focus on this aspect of my health first.
In the past I've had a bad habit of latching on to a health kick, going to the gym every day, and eating only good things for me, and letting it last for about a week. I would then get burnt out, or I would let the weekend binging stop me from feeling good enough to go to the gym. This time it's going to be different. I'm going to start with my health. I'm going to start with eating to fuel my body, and avoiding the crap that is everywhere. I'm cutting sugar and cutting carbs, and hopefully that will help me feel better about going to the gym, or starting a work out program. I know that right now, if I were to go to the gym and try and work out I wouldn't be able to do anything I've worked up to before, and I would get frustrated and start to spiral. I want to be stable in my eating habits before I add another aspect to this journey. i want to lose 20 pounds just from diet, which I know is possible, and then start working out.
8. I've come to learn that while some people don't have to think about their weight, and will always be skinny minnie's I am not one of those people. I will always have to be on it with my diet. Hopefully someday it will com easier for me, but I will probably always have to think about it. My family is proned to weight gain, and I know my bad habits, while under control for the moment, will be waiting in the wings for their chance to come back. I will probably always have a week spot for carbs. Especially when I'm pregnant.
9. I need to have a broad sense of goals, and not specify too much. Real life happens, and while I plan on keeping my eating clean, exercising isn't always going to happen. I want to lose 60 pounds all together, but part of that I want to do with just diet alone. I also want to be able to do this over a longer period of time. I'm not looking for perfection, just health. I'm hoping to achieve my goals before Kyle and I have kids, but if not, I won't be too hard on myself.
So now that I've fully dissected my thoughts, I want to talk about my goals. I'm going to set short and long term goals, so I can have something to work towards.
Short Term
1 Month- Keep off sugar, and low carb. I want to make it through the holiday season without eating any sugar. This is going to be hard. I know that. Holiday treats are MY FAVORITE and they will be everywhere. This next month is going to be a test of my own will.
2 month- Slowly begin incorporating work outs into my routine.
Lose about 20 pounds just with diet alone. This should be possible with a lower calorie intake, and eating whole foods. I want to lose the 20 pounds before incorporating too much exercise, so I don't get burnt our.
5 month- be working out 3 times a week, and maintaining low carb and no sugar
8 month goals- be at least 40 pounds lighter, and maintaining a good work out regime and eating habits.
12 month- Be working out 4 times a week, at home or at the gym, and have lost 50 pounds of my body fat. I want to be as close to my goals as possible, but not necessarily super fit.
2 years- have first pregnancy and maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine through pregnancy.
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