12.8.2015

Last night I had an interesting conversation with Kyle.
I asked him if there was anything about his personality that he doesn't like, that he wishes he could change.
He said his shyness.
Then he asked me about mine.
I had a hard time explaining mine in a way that adequately described the frustration I have with my self. I've found that I have little drive or ambition to finish the projects I begin. I don't know if it is laziness, or if it is an actual personality problem, but I am extremely frustrated with myself.
I can see the kind of person I want to be, organized, driven, and precise. It gets hard when I compare that to the person that I am, messy, cluttered, lazy, and approximate.
I rarely accomplish my goals, and when I do it's a half assed job.
I am also having an incredibly difficult time battling a bout of depression. I have a hard time getting myself up and out of bed on a daily basis. Cutting carbs has helped my body feel better, but my mind is still foggy and dull.
As I've been writing this, I've been distracted by finding a solution for these issues. My first instinct, when I am unhappy, is to wallow, nap and binge (food or Netflix...or both)
My second instinct is to find a way to fix it. I need to be able to pull myself out of this. I've decided to find a way to become the person I want to be.

To accomplish this, I first need to figure out what I want to be. I made a list (because I live on lists.)

1. Motivated/Driven
2. Healthy
3. Clean and Organized
4. Happy

(I have more, like being financially stable, and being in control of my life, but these are four broad categories that I can start on immediately)

So those are the things I want to be, logically the next step would be to break those categories into manageable tasks, and more lists! In the honor of lists, I have created my first category of my life make-over.

1. Clean and Organized.
I've just compiled a list of chores to help me in my goals to be more clean and organized. My house is ALWAYS a mess, and I used to think it was part of my charm, but this morning when I walked into my disgusting kitchen, and couldn't even find a place to start cleaning, i decided it was not charming. Not at all.

I have two action steps for beginning my clean and organized life.
1. De-clutter the entire apartment.
    A. One room at a time
    B. Ask myself "does this bring me joy," with everything I find. If not, toss it.
2. Develop a chore schedule, and divide the items between Kyle and myself.
    A. I am not a full time maid, I should not be responsible for keeping the entire house clean.

That's about as far as I've gotten so far, I'll probably be back tomorrow with more progress on my written goals.